1 Year of Breastfeeding - An Honest Post

I can't honestly say it's shocked me that I'm still breastfeeding. From the very first day, I knew I wanted to breastfeed for at least a year. I have felt incredibly lucky that Freddie was able to latch on straight away, especially that he's got tongue tie to - something I didn't know until the day after he was born. I've had a love and hate relationship with breastfeeding if I am very honest. For the first 6 or 7 months, I absolutely loved it. I was so attached and couldn't even think about stopping. I'm still attached to Freddie, he's the only boy and the youngest out of all three, and I think that attachment is going to be there forever. Going from 7 months onwards, I started to feel some kind of dislike to it. I was overly sleep deprived, and I was just exhausted by the end of the day. Knowing that I wasn't able to have 'my' time to relax for five minutes until really late around 9 and sometimes 10pm it was just making me in a bad mood. I was jealous that my partner was able to just come downstairs, watch TV, have food in peace and not worry about feeding or settling Freddie.

That mood made me against my partner. I started to get jealous of everything he was doing. The times he was going out with his friends, going out for a couple of hours in the evening, things he had planned by going away for a couple of nights with a stag do. Everything. There's me who couldn't even stay in Slimming World for an hour or two. We started drifting apart. I was struggling, with everything. I was finding it really hard to see the bright side of things. I was crying every single day and dreaded bedtimes. It wasn't only the bedtime that was getting to me, it was also knowing that I'd be up every 2-3 hours during the night too.

As things got harder, my partner and I seemed to have drifted apart. Everything felt a bit too hard for me. I was struggling to put a smile on my face every day, if I did, then it probably was just a mask. I felt alone, and that is one of the worst feelings. After a few disagreements and arguments, I decided that it would be best to start giving Freddie formula as his bedtime feed. I didn't decide until he was around 10 months old as it just didn't feel right until then. The last thing I wanted to do was force myself to do something that didn't feel right. So I waited.

His bedtimes were getting earlier, and so it felt like the right time. When my partner settled him for the first night, ever, it felt really strange but nice and relaxing at the same time. I was able to get on with my work, and I felt a little relaxed. I didn't relax too much as I was still worried he wouldn't take to the formula. There were still some nights when he wouldn't settle or wouldn't drink his milk, but as time has gone by, he's got better.

One year on and Freddie takes formula every evening. He will drink anything from 3-7 ounces. He goes to bed around 6.45pm - 7.30pm and he settles well for my partner to settle him to sleep. My partner takes him to bed more often than I do, but I still do take him at least twice or more a week. I can't say it's really helped him sleep better through the night, I think that is just going to take time. He is better than he used to be but every night is different. I think he's had around 4 full night sleeps in total since he was born, but normally he will now sleep from when he goes to bed around 7pm until 2am and then 5 or 6am. But that can change from every 2-3 hours too, just depends on the night.

He's still breastfeeding. He gets a feed sometimes during the night and every morning, as well as his nap time around 10-11am. They're only small feeds, but at the moment I can't see him weaning himself anytime soon because he does find comfort and I'm fine with that. I would never have thought breastfeeding would be how it is right now, compared to this time last year. He was awful at cluster feeding. He was latched on me pretty much all day and constant every single day. But I didn't mind it at all for the first 6-7 months. After that I think everything was getting a little too much, not just the breastfeeding. The juggle of the house, relationship, breastfeeding, sleepless nights, the girls, work and trying to keep me happy.

Putting sleep and exhaustion aside, one of my main worries with breastfeeding was feeding out in public. The thought of it made me ill and so nervous. However, during the first and second week, we had visitor coming and going, many turning up without notice and I found the first six weeks the hardest to getting used to breastfeeding. As many visitors were turning up without notice, I was feeding most of the time and I did find it very uncomfortable. I did start to get really annoyed as I felt most of his feeds he was covered because we had a visitor. In the end I did get used to it. The first time I fed out in public was in a play soft area. I was super nervous and I was even contemplating on going into the toilets to feed. I'm glad I didn't and I just did it there and then. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Since then I've not worried much about breastfeeding in public.

So, one year on and we've had a good and bad experience with breastfeeding. One thing I can say is, I don't regret starting to breastfeed Freddie. I think being so sleep deprived made it difficult at times. It can feel like it's you that does all the 'work.' But it's one of the best things I have done and still doing. The bond is absolutely amazing and still is. My word of advice if you ever feel like you're struggling with breastfeeding is, keep going.

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